After treatment I feel weak and then gradually with time I begin to feel stronger and more like my normal self. I'm at the feeling really good stage. I love this time! My mind races with thoughts of what I can do and I get excited to work on my projects and goals and I enjoy being able to be busy and really live my life!
When I finished my last treatment I decided a visit to Wyoming was a priority. After I began to feel better, we headed up to Star Valley, Wyoming. When we got there my sister and her family were at church so we drove to their meetinghoiuse, parked by their car, and waited for them to come out. We didn't have to wait long because church was almost over. Mom and I thought we would be funny and wear our sunglasses. We thought we were all FBI-ish. Dad decided he'd rather take a little walk. :) Probably to get away from us crazy ladies.
When they came out of the building they didn't see us. They even walked in front of our car, looking in our general direction, but they didn't see us. FINALLY my niece Melanie saw us and began to shout excitedly that "grandma and Michelle are here!" Everyone was excited....well.......until they saw me. This was their first time seeing me with my bald head. Melanie warmed up to me right away saying, "It doesn't matter if you have hair or not because you're still the same person and I will always love you, whether you have hair or not." She really impressed mom and me with her sweet declaration. She's such a sweet kid! I love my little Melanie! :) She's younger than I am, but she's one of my little heroes. Isn't she sweet? She makes me want to cry.
The other kids were cautious, but Amber wanted to get in my car anyways so I guess she wasn't too worried about it. Landon, who is four years old, looked a little scared and mom noticed it so she told me to take my sunglasses off and replace them with my real glasses because I was scaring him. As soon as I put my regular glasses on, he recognized who I was and then he climbed into my car too. Anyways, we had fun seeing them and I laughed a lot at their funny responses to my new hairdo.
We had a nice visit in Wyoming. I always have a good time there, partly because of how pretty the valley is and mostly because of my nephews and nieces. They are so loving to me! They are always hugging me to death and following me around like I'm the leader of a parade or something. They are often laughing and giggling and all that happiness makes me feel so good that I forget all my troubles. It was really nice to be with them. I have to say that I love ALL my nieces and nephews though. I know I say it all the time, but I really love being an aunt. It's MY little bit of motherhood and I feel like they are my own...just they came to me by way of my sisters.
Several funny things happened during our visit, but one of the best was when my nephew Landon found a brush and said to me, "I brush your ha....eeeeee......rrrr?" He said the hair part as he was looking at my bald head remembering at the same time that I didn't have any hair to brush. He said hair in a drawn out way with a puzzled questioning tone. My mom and I laughed our heads off at his comment. I told him that I couldn't because I didn't have any hair, because it was "all gone" and how I was bald. He said, "Bald?". Well, it's funnier to hear it in person. He rubbed my head and hugged me instead. That was just as nice as a good hair brushing anyways.
Another funny memory for me was how all of all of the kids kept rubbing my head. When I first got there I told them they could touch my head, to become comfortable with it. To my surprise they wanted to do it all the time. They all rubbed it like it was Budda's belly. From that time until the time I left, they all wanted to rub my head. They touched it very tenderly and lovingly. What a good memory! I'll think of that time as my Budda time.
I felt weak after our first day there. I felt really tired and I was really struggling. When I went to bed one night my brother-in-law and sister had told the kids to be extra quiet because I wasn't feeling good and had gone to bed early. My mom said that Amber would tip-toe all the way to the bedroom door to sneak a peak at me and then tip-toe all the way back to the living room. She's not an extra quiet kid so this was especially cute. I wasn't asleep and so they all ended up in the room with me visiting and laughing.
When it was bedtime their parents wanted them to sleep in other rooms and most of them did, but Amber did not want to. She wanted to sleep by "Aunt Michelle". She put her blanket by me on the floor and that was the end of that. She wasn't going to move for anybody. Ha, ha! :) I was glad for the company. I felt so restless and shaky inside and so as we talked, her soothing voice began to calm me down and helped me to relax enough so that I could fall asleep. At one point in my restless state I was up and walking around the room, thinking sleep would never happen when she said, "Michelle, you can sleep on my bed." She has the sweetest little voice and sometimes some of her sounds aren't exactly correct, so she has a very cute childlike tone to her voice when she talks. I laid on her bed like she told me to and she chatted away. She told me that she didn't like to kiss boys and that she WOULD like to do it when she got older and she told me that she didn't like cancer and wouldn't ever want it, and she told me that she was excited to go to school and play with her friends. All her cute chatter made me calm down and I fell asleep! Yay! I hadn't slept the night before so it was a pretty big deal for me to sleep. I love my little active, impulsive, and nurturing little Amber!!! She fights for life and never gives up. She's a good example to me too.
We had a good visit and I enjoyed making cinnamon rolls and cookies with them and I enjoyed our walks to Grandma and Grandpa Walker's house, and our drives to the store for ice cream. We laughed and played and then they all cried when we left. They were really weeping...the poor little dears. As we drove home we recalled all the fun times and talked about when we would see them again. Hopefully we can go again before school starts. We probably won't ever be able to live there like the kids want us to, but we can look forward to many more visits. I guess I can always dream of having a house next door.
One cancer related thing that I noticed on this visit was how motion sick I am feeling lately. I felt dizzy driving through the canyons and any abnormal movements get my stomach reeling. In fact when I went to IKEA yesterday, the ride on the elevator made me so sick that I thought I was going to faint. I was shaky inside and SO weak and it lasted for at least an hour afterwards!!! I think I'll stay away from elevators for awhile. I wonder if that is something other cancer patients experience?
Yesterday we went to IKEA and since my sister Dianna lives nearby, we visited her and my pretty niece Taylor. We always have fun visiting their new house. It's like a little mansion. It's so pretty! My brother-in-law Scott P. is very talented and he built it and anyways we had fun seeing all the new things he had done. He had trees planted and rocks placed in the front yard. It looks like he's ready to lay sod. His shop is looking nice too. He's has the walls up and Taylor said they were going to lay the cement floor the next day. Pretty soon that will be done too. I'm glad my sister gets to live in such a pretty house. We are wondering where our rooms are. We're ready to move in Scott P.
I feel very grateful for my family. All of them have been so sweet to me. Dianna told me on our visit that my head has a pretty shape and gave me that sister-ly warm and loving assurance that I was going to be okay, even without saying so. There's something special about a big sister. I sure love mine! She's pretty sick herself, but she's always there for me and so sweet and loving. I hope that I can always be close to my sisters, even when we drive each other crazy sometimes. It's my dream to be with them forever.
Yesterday I also went to a district training meeting for K-2 teachers. I can't believe I'm going to say this about a meeting, but it was the best one I've ever been too! The instruction was nice, but the overflow of love I received was the best part. I saw so many of my dear friends, many of which I haven't seen for a very long time, and it just did my heart good to be loved by so many. I can't say thank you enough to all my dear teacher and principal friends. I love you all! I know I haven't fully appreciated all the great people I work with, but since my diagnosis it's opened my eyes to how lucky I am to know so many great people. My heart feels very full. It's amazing how simple actions make a big difference. Many of these people just gave me a hug or talked with me for just a few moments, but it was enough ya know. I think sometimes we feel like service has to take a long time or be very elaborate but it's not true. Often it's the short conversations and hugs that make the biggest difference. I recieved more hugs and loving words of encouragement yesterday than I can count and anyways....thank you friends!!!
I made a goal a few days ago that I'm going to get my classroom completely finished and ready for school before my next treatment, which is on Thursday, August 11th. That's what I've been doing lately. I love getting my classroom ready! I know that's weird, but I do enjoy it. I love making it pretty and I enjoy thinking about the new students and seeing the room come together. I'm hoping that I can finish it so I can just focus on being sick after treatment without feeling guilty about how I'm not getting things done at school. I think I can do it. My mom has been helping me and mostly encouraging me to keep going when I feel like stopping, but it'll get done. I'm excited for school to start!
After working all day at school I came home to a BEAUTIFUL vase filled with flowers and a loaf of homemade wheat bread. The bread was yummy by the way! One of my sweet students, whose name is Neisha, and her mom Roxann brought them to me. I almost cried...again! I can't believe they would do that for me. Sadly I was at school so I missed their visit, but I figure I will just have to drop by their house soon and say thank you. It was so kind and loving!!! I don't feel like I deserve all of this kindness I'm receiving. Anyways, thank you so much Neisha and Roxann!!! I love you guys! I really admire this family, especially their mom. I've had a lot of their kids in my classes and this mom is amazing! There are people you look up to in life and she's one for me. She's so kind and such a wonderful mother. I hope I can be like her someday.
Earlier I had mentioned some side-effects of chemo and I thought I'd take a minute to mention a few since people have been curious about it. Everyone experiences and reacts to chemo differently. I am doing okay with my nausea, but others struggle A LOT more. For me I experience light-headedness, sudden fatigue, and a need to cry more often. I seem to cry a lot more than is typical and I've heard that it is very common to cry like I do. I'm also very sensitive to motion and often feel like I'm on a boat rocking about, feeling very seasick. I'm more apt to be carsick too, without the barfing part though. On our drive home from Wyoming I had to have my mom drive while sat in the passenger seat. I was completely miserable. These side-effects and others are my daily companions. They're the ones that stay with me after the four miserable days are over...the ones after treatment that make me feel like I'm dying. I don't feel them ALL the time, but they are frequent visitors. So, although I feel strong now I still deal with some other side-effects. I can handle them though. I feel so much better compared to how I feel right after treatment so it's not as big of a deal as a result. I don't feel great ALL of the time, but it's so much better that it's awesome! Oh, I have tingly and numb fingertips too. Isn't that odd?
I forgot to mention that my sister Julie and her family came to visit us last Sunday. My sister Julie is a retired teacher and she married Scott C. whose first wife died of breast cancer. When they came to visit and have Sunday dinner with us Scott said a lot of things to me that really touched my heart. I can't remember all of them exactly, but it's an odd sort-of bonding experience for him and I, that I have cancer. I know it's hard for him to see me going through it because it reminds him of a sad time in his life when he lost his wife Debbie. He told me that as saints we share each other's burdens and it's true. Even though it's hard having cancer...he and all of my family and friends have shared my burden. By being my friends and by offering encouragement and by praying and crying for me, they help my burden to be lighter and easier to bear. Thank you dear friends, even the ones that I don't see as often. Thank you for making my burden light. Thank you for caring about me and for loving me. I couldn't do what I'm doing without you!!! And thank you Scott C. You're a good egg.
Back to work I go. My classroom sure is looking cute! :) Have a great day everyone and don't forget to be thankful for your friends and family! :)
