The long wait is over and I'm finally starting chemo on Thursday, June 30th! I'm glad it's finally time to start. This time it'll be a full treatment with all the bells and whistles. :) It's been hard waiting for so long, but it's TIME and I'm ready to start.
Until then I'm going to be busy or try to stay busy anyways. :) Every day when I wake up I hope it'll be a good day. Some days are hard and I cry and others are better and I'm happy. My emotions change daily. I've had more sad days in the past few weeks than I want to admit. Crying is definitely one of my things lately. I haven't cried as hard or as much in my life, or at least I can't remember when I have cried this much. Even though I've been sad I've remained optimistic about my cancer. It's just sad that I have to do this and it's cancer...and cancer stinks basically.
A few days ago I was crying a lot. I decided to read the scriptures and conference talks, in hopes that they would give me comfort and make the crying cease. I was having a hard time getting the tears to stop on my own. I read for several days and sometimes until I fell asleep at night. (I didn't read all the time...just thought I'd clarify on that point.) This was a good choice for me. Reading the scriptures and conference talks made it so I could sleep and made the crying diminish and become less frequent. The pain became manageable and I found some comfort. I can't say that a particular scripture popped out and gave me some miraculous epiphany, but just reading them gave me the comfort I needed.
One of the talks I read was Elder Nelson's conference talk titled "Face the Future with Faith". In it he advises us not to fear, but to move forward in life with faith. I fear too many things. What if....something happens, etc... This was a good talk for me to read because I've had a lot of fears the past few weeks. Elder Nelson quoted President Monson who said, "I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments." It was nice hearing these words. They reminded me that I need to put everything in God's hands, have faith, be obedient, and move forward with faith. I don't know what lies ahead, but Heavenly Father will take care of me.
When I was a little girl my mom would comfort me by telling me that "everything was going to be alright" or that I was going to be okay when I was going through something hard. Usually she said these words of comfort after a bad dream or to calm me when I thought monsters were in my closet. Lately I've thought about how Heavenly Father comforts us in the same way. I can't hear Him speak, but I feel His comfort when I read and pray. Anyways, I feel much better lately. I hope the comfort and good feelings continue.
Have a nice weekend everyone. I hope you are happy and well.
